Because I couldn’t take it anymore..

This portrait was seen in the recent episode of Smallville.

And because I can,

The 15 heroes in the portrait, left to right, are: Star-Spangled Kid, Wildcat, the Atom, Sandman, the Spectre, the Flash (Jay Gerrick), Hawkman, Hawkgirl, Dr. Fate, Green Lantern (Alan Scott), Hourman (Kent Nelson), Dr. Mid-Nite (with Hootie the owl), the original Black Canary, and Mr. Terrific

There… got THAT off my chest

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Rein in the Fanboys

Smallville used to be a guilty pleasure of mine.

The plotlines were incredibly contrived, the lines – painfully cheesy, the acting – decidedly atrocious and the CGI… not exactly top notch.

But if anything, Smallville had one great thing going for it…   Lana Lang. Haha, I kid. The show was rife with awesome fan references to obscure characters and storylines from the DCU – some of which actually involves Lana Lang!

I was lulled back to the show by the much advertised Geoff Johns (lead creator of Blackest Night)  penned episode of Smallville which will feature *gasp* The Justice Society!

The Justice Society is a big thing on my comics shopping list, especially the Geoff Johns penned ones. The JSA is different from most superhero teams. With the motto of “The world need better good guys”, the JSA went about “collecting” the heirs of superheroes past and go through the 101 of “How to be a Superhero” with them…. Kinda like the X-Men, but cooler. You cannot go wrong with a bunch of old fogies like Wild Cat, Green Lantern (Alan Scott) and the Flash (Jay Gerrick) leading the team.

Because of its premise, the recent roster of the JSA has more than 20 members (or about 1% when compared to the cast of the X-Men) , but Geoff managed to create a personal touch for each of them. He made me care about B-Listers like (these are real superhero code names) the Atom Smasher, Power Girl, Mr Terrific, Citizen Steel, Sandy, etc…. but more importantly, he made it seemed like they care for each other too. There’s a warm and fuzzy feeling I get when reading them.

The original creators of Smallville had a strict “No Tights No Flights” policy. Think it worked in favor of the series as it kept a measure of suspense to the series. It explored possible “influences” that made Clark Kent Superman and hints at the possible future of Clark. There was an aura of suspense in the show… much like the “is it there/is it not” relationship of Agent Mulder and Scully in the X Files.

Besides this, there was another huge factor that made this code works – Tights just look ridiculous on normal human beings… eeeesh…

Anyway, a lot has apparently happened since Kristin Kreuk left the series. Besides using star writers like Geoff Johns to continue to lull fanboys in, the creators of Smallville  had been using lots of guest stars and super heroes appearances to boost ratings.

They were apparently so desperate, they recently resorted to the use of… The Wonder Twins…. ooooooh….

Back to this episode of Clark Kent….  to summarize it in 2 words – IT SUCKS!

It seems even Geoff Johns cannot make comic book dialogue work in real life. Some decidedly witty one liners just does not come across right… Perhaps it’s the comic book to video conversion, or maybe… just maybe, the producers should channel their funding to acting classes for the cast.  The plot for the episode was ok, but the acting made the show a pain to watch.

Actual lines from the show include such gems as:

Jo’hn Jonzz (aka: Martian Manhunter): I hope it’s not too late to say, “We come in peace.”

Green Arrow: Drop the mace, Conan.
Hawkman: I will… on your head.
Green Arrow: Bring it, big bird. Just for the record, you started it.
Hawkman: I’ll finish it

Oliver: What are you–my chaperone?
Hawkman: Think of me as your parole officer but with a mace.

Green Arrow: I’m thinking we should regroup with the others before we go after Icicle Junior.
Hawkman: You go back to Sherwood, Robin Hood. I’ll turn the Icicle into slush myself.

TOTAL Schumacher’s “Batman and Robin” Deja vu.

Hmm… maybe I shouldn’t be that hard on the actors… It seems impossible to deliver lines like these with a straight face… unless you’re Kristin.

Just when I thought it was safe to watch movies based on fighting games….

I mean “Dead or Alive” was seriously awesome. They got the right ingredients. Enough camp, enough cheese, and of course, enough boobs. Also, the show does not take itself too seriously. Always a good thing when your base material is not.

Anyway, the latest news (for me) is that they’re going to make a new Streetfighter movie. Probably just in time to cash in on the hype surrounding the soon-to-be-released Streetfighter IV. (here’s when I go wooooohooooo….) The spin is that this new movie will not centre around the normal “main characters” of Ken, Ryu, Guile or Sagart. Instead, they will choose to focus on everyone’s favorite underwear revealing fighter… Chun Li. That’s right… ol bun head will be getting her own movie. How do I know it? Well… the name of the movie is “Street Fighter: Legend of Chun-Li“, so…

So far, things are not going good for the show… the director they’ve chosen is one Andrzej Bartkowiak whose works includes such classics as “Romeo Must Die”, “Cradle 2 Grave” and “Doom”… all examples of “movies-that-should-not-be-taken-too-seriously-but-somehow-are”. Seriously, there was so much potential for “Doom” to be so camp that it’ll be good, but alas…

I think one of the biggest problems in the execution of the show would be the presentation of Chun Li. No one seemed to be able to pull off her character design with dignity. And many have tried…

Ming Na Wen in Street Fighter:The Movie
Chun Li, Qiu Shu Zhen, ChigMy Yau

including my favorite Qiu Shu Zhen (hint: not the one on the  left) …

oh yes.. many have tried… even those that should have no business trying…

Jackie Chan, Street Fighter, Chun Li

The buns just do not come out well!!

So who’s the latest brave soul to challenge this role? It has to be someone that does not realize that taking on certain roles will destroy their entire careers. There are just some roles that you do not take because your whole life will never be the same again. For example, any role that require you to play opposite ANY Warner Brothers cartoon characters. They are cute. You are not. Also, Bond girls… there’s a reason why the series is named after him.

I digress, the latest challenger is non other than our favorite Kristin Kreuk, aka Lana Lang. You’d think that she would want to put “Eurotrip” behind her and build on whatever credibility she’s gained from “Smallville” or “Partition”. Oh well..

While she’s certainly a looker (I am a fan), she might well be the last major contributor to why this film is doomed to failure. Already there is potentially no camp and no cheese, now there’s also… no boobs!

Kristin Kreuk, Chun li

Oh… there’s also an actress in the show by the name of Moon Bloodgood… So cool in an entirely hippie way…