In my culture, a new year is normally celebrated by…the shopping for new clothes, which for all of you who know me is an occasion of immense joy. If there is anything more joyful, it’ll have to involve tasers and a whole lot of water.

It doesn’t help that the traditional new year songs are sang by people who are impossibly joyous. For those of you who have never heard a traditional Chinese New Year song before (lucky you), I would say that on the happiness scale, these people rate just slightly above Sesame Street’s Elmo… On crack…and in the midst of acts that should not be mentioned here, but rhymes with porgy.

And because of all this happiness, the songs would have (and this is just a conservative estimate) a million cymbals,gongs and drums playing in the background. I swear, these people could compose symphonies using only cymbals,gongs and drums.

For some reasons, shopping complexes seem to think it’s an excellent idea to blast these songs on repeat play. The closer it gets to the new year, I swear, they’ll blast the songs louder. If you ask me, I have this conspiracy theory that involves the League of Angry Moms Who are Sick and Tired of Nagging at their Kids to do their New Year Shopping Early and will CONDEMN Late Shoppers to Shopping Purgatory, (LAMWSTNKNYSECONDEMNLSSP for short) but I am not free to elaborate. (if I should die in mysterious circumstances…)

Needless to say, this potent mixture of brain cell destroying music and the anxiety brought on by the possible downfall and disgrace you’ll bring to the Family Name due to your incompetence in securing articles of clothing is enough to drive most mortals insane. It is not uncommon to see glazed eyed individual stumbling about shopping malls, CONVINCED that they’ll look good in the luminous purple collared shirt, shit green berms, socks and sneakers combi. (they don’t).

In fact, I won’t be surprised if these is a deserted mall somewhere with disheveled dudes looking for that perfect top because the mall forgot to turn off the New Year songs. (no malls are allowed to continue broadcasting New Year songs more than 15 days into the New Year under the Federal De Numb Skulling act of the Geneva Convention. True story). Their relatives did not bother looking for them because they have dishonored the Family Name by not finding New Year’s cloth.

At that stage, falling into a swimming pool filled with tasers might not seem such a bad idea after all, huh?

Happy New Year

Now, why haven’t WE thought of this???

Saw this in a shopping mall…. I don’t think I’m the only one who has been caught outside, in urgent need of a recharge, right?

Yes, now is a good time to call in the Ignorance Police. Let me know if you have seen THIS anywhere around back home.

Also, Nokia seems to be the market leader here, judging from this panel… 3 Nokias, 1 Samsung, 1 Sony Ericsson….